Change Is The Only Constant

Another rainy day:)
I always feel the urge to write on rainy days! <3 And this time, I'm more focused and organized with what is going through my head than the last couple of posts..

Today,
Holy Cow. It just hit me.

NEWSFLASH

I have my FUTURE all ahead of me.
Today is the first day of the rest of my life....

After reading through past posts, catching myself looking through old memories, and hearing the words "I miss" come out of my mouth waaaayyyy too many times, I'm realizing that there is something entirely wrong with this picture.

STOP.
dwelling on the past.

I have been looking back for so long that I'm beginning to trip over the opportunities and blessings that are right under me.

Ya, I have an amazing past. It's full of great people and it all made me a very happy girl. But if I don't stop looking back, I'll miss the happiness that the future has in store for me.

I can't go back to the past... I must face that. So here and now, I'm turing to face the horizon. I'm moving FORWARD.
But it's easier to move forward if you have something to look forward to. So I'm setting goals.

That has been my biggest problem so far, I haven't set any SPECIFIC goals that I want to accomplish. Not having this structure is just allowing me to float along, not accomplishing very much. So here and now, I am also setting goals. WRITING THEM DOWN because it's not a goal if it is not written down.

So here are some goals that have been running through my mind lately..

Before I am 30, I want to: (relatively in this order)

Only spend money on what I really NEED. (I need to stop buying clothes.. ;))
Do an internship at Disneyworld and/or study abroad and/or go to another country to serve.
Have a bachelors degree in my chosen major.
Have a good job with an income that I can live on my own with and really learn to budget.
Live in New York City for a year.
Get married in my mid 20's.
Be in a position to buy a house after a few years of marriage.
Start a family.

As of right now, I think those are all fairly close to attainable.

Right now though, there are decisions in my life that I need to make. This brings me back to the missionary topic. It's a tough decision, but I think I'm beginning to make up my mind and understand what the Lord wants me to do. (I hope).

With the above goals, and the future that I picture myself in, I can't seem to imagine a mission being a part of it. I had never really planned on a mission before the announcement and it's not practical in my mind to change everything around just because the ages were changed.

We do need an army of missionaries out there to spread the gospel, and it would be wonderful to be a part of that, but the whole idea of a mission scares me and I don't think that it is the right TYPE of missionary work for me.

A hard part about this decision though, is the fact that all my friends are planning to leave in the next 6 months. If I don't go, that would leave me "left behind". I'd still be here, all by myself. But then comes the realization again that I have to stop dwelling in the past. I need to let them go do their thing and I need to go off and do mine. I need to have my own adventures and experiences.

As i'm beginning to make this final decision though, I'm starting to feel GUILTY that i'm not planning on going. I shouldn't feel guilty! There are plenty of girls "back in the day" that didn't go and I feel like now that the mission ages for girls have changed to 19, that I'm going to get all those looks like "Why didn't she go?" or "I wonder if she couldn't". Those better not start with the girls now... it's hard enough for the boys.

I just need to live out of Utah for a while.  Utah is so horrible with people judging you about looks and about your status in the church. It gets overwhelming sometimes. And as much as I love Utah, and I will most likely live here to raise my family, I would LOVE to experience a bit of the "real world". Utah has it's own little bubble... and I want to burst out of it soon.

This decision on not going on a mission will require me being left behind, it will require me to make new friends, and it will require some major changes in my life.

I hate change.

But this is what I need to do in order to accomplish my goals and dreams. A sacrifice of some sort. It will force me to grow, learn, and face some tough trials in my life. But it will all be for the better.

These goals are things that I want to do. They're things that I'm interested in and things that I want to be a part of my past eventually. They're things that will help me to grow and things that I want to call mine.

This is my life. Nobody else's. So I'm going to do what I feel is right and I'm going to accomplish them for myself.

Starting right now, I'm going to focus on the future. I'm going to reach for the stars and become a part of something unstoppable.

I'm going to become someone that my family now and my family in the future can be proud of.

As my girl T.Swift says in her new album RED that came out this morning, 

I'm ready to "Begin Again".

"The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams." 

- Eleanor Roosevelt

"Happiness is not something you postpone for the future; it is something you design for the present"

 - Jim Rohn

"Learn from the past, set vivid, DETAILED goals for the future, and live in the only moment of time over which you have any control: now." 

- Denis Waitley

"Change is the law of life. And those who look only to the past or present are certain to miss the future." 

-John F. Kennedy

"Every saint has a past and every sinner has a future"

 - Oscar Wilde